Saturday, February 2, 2013

Chemo Brain Bites



I know that having memory loss really, really works my partner's very last nerve.   And I really, really try very hard to not let it happen.  But it does just the same.  

I say it's chemo brain..... She says I just don't listen. SIGH...... To-mA-to, to-ma-to.... She really understands, but busts me on it in the most caring way  :)

I often have that deer in the headlights look when questioned by her..... "don't you remember???" "What did I say we were gonna do?" "Repeat after me...." "make sure you log a note!" ..... ok......I really do try..... really, I do!

I say it's chemo brain.... My friends say you don't remember that??  We were just there?  I say seriously?  I was there too?  And I know I have that blank look..... Or, I get the text about something we are doing together, and  I'm like what? Ummmmmm we just talked about that last weekend!  Or there's always the  Don't you remember, I just told you that story! line I hear.  Sometimes with much prompting, I remember.  Sometimes I just pretend to remember, to make my brain stop hurting......  ;) 

And of course it goes the other way, as I will tell a story, and then find out I already told it..... Ohhhhh no - I am becoming my parents!!!

Now, I'm not saying that sometimes there aren't teenie tiny occurrences of my truly not paying attention or listening....  Ahem. My friends may have something to add to that statement.... true?

My kids show great patience, as I know I ask them more than once about an event or I am surprised by news I probably heard about more than once already.  Thanks guys!  I love you so much!

It does scare me.... as time passes it gets worse.  If I don't make a note, I totally forget what, who, where, why, how, when.   My Google Calendar and iPad Notes apps..... priceless!

When I was still working, it was so freakin' scary.  I would go to a meeting, make notes, and till the next meeting not even understand my own notes.  I would often go back a couple weeks and read a mass email I had sent out, and think as I'm reading it, well that was pretty damn good!  I just don't remember putting it together! It was always like reading a new message!  Surprise!  I wrote processes and procedures for users of our software.  I'd look back on past documents to review and say (to myself, of course) Awesome Girl - You nailed it!  Amazingly, I would have the details correct!  My fellow colleagues, and managers.... close your eyes to that! ;)

Sometimes I watch an entire movie and have major trouble remembering it.  Great.... During my chemo, we went to see Mission Impossible III.  I stayed awake.  But remembered nothing.... not a thing except Tom Cruise repelling down a building.  Holy bloody hell.

I can be reading email, or watching tv, and suddenly I remember, oh I need to look something up on the internet.  I click the new tab, it patiently waits for me to type something.... little line cursor blinking, taunting me....and nothing.  I can't remember one second later what I wanted to look up!  Sigh.....

It's not like I'm 70-something.... I'm only 50-something.... Aren't I? 

See, my friends???  I have a legitimate excuse for all those kinds of memory lapses.... See?  It even has a wiki page - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-chemotherapy_cognitive_impairment

Chemo brain, chemo fog, or chemo daze long term effects  exist... it must!  It must indeed.  I've got plenty of chemo sisters and brothers who agree!  :)  Right???  Hello??? Help a sister out here!?

:)

2 comments:

  1. You KNOW You got a friend here, sister....

    You're doing everything you can. I can't shake "distracted brain" either....One of my very first blog posts was about me walking around in circles for an entire day...

    Hugs.... glad you tweeted this!

    AnneMarie

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  2. Thank you AnneMarie! The friendships and camaraderie we have made through social media are priceless..... Love ya! Cin

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